Before I tell you all you never wanted to know, let me first introduce myself a little. Many of you know me or have seen me either because of my BIG MOUTH or the fantasy of being a "HOT" chick. Anyway, I started playing poker at age "4." My one grandpa taught me how to cheat my other grandpa. He loved watching him choke on his cigar when I pulled four aces every other hand. That's when I got the taste of being world's greatest poker player. If only I'd stuck to playing with gramps…

Now why am I writing all this? There’s "Poker" and then there’s "Online Poker." What makes online so different are the beggars, cheats, big mouths, know-it-all's, club retards (as I call them) and mouthy railbirds. That’s what we all must put up with. If any of these things were done live, those people would be thrown out of the casino. In the old days, you'd be shot or even worse. "Your nuts would get rivered." But as we know, these things do exist and it’s part of the game. Many times, I trap someone and check, and they go all in, only for me to lose to a major suckout. The last thing I need are railbirds laughing at how much I suck!!

I'll give you an example. I'm heads up playing for an Aruba trip. The prize is 8k cash, since I already won one. My opponent is Mr. Belvedere, who is none other than Josh Arieh. I'm up 3-1 in chips and offer him a fair chop. Well this woke up a railbird, who told me I suck and I had *zero* chance of beating the "Great Josh." Josh was very polite and just laughed. First hand, I limp in with KK, and of course he goes all in with 4-8. Dummy that I am, I call….flop 884….now we're even. This really livens up Mr. Big Mouth Railbird, who kept telling me I suck. Who was this big mouth that I wanted to rip his head off? Yup, none other than the "Rug Doctor." Who's he? None other than the 2nd place finisher in the 2004 WSOP, David Williams. Can you imagine ESPN airing Mr. Rugface calling Fossilman all sortsa names?

Well forget beating Josh, me and Rugface went at it for 1/2 hour. Must have been the plan, cause naturally I lost. Online Poker brings out the best in people….doesn’t it? In aruba we kissed and made up.

Then there’s the AZZ kissas as I call them. Who are they? Usually insecure, inferior players who have no life and latch on to friendly superior players, so they feel accepted. Don't want to mention any names, but there are so so many. I hate cliques, clubs, or people that stick to their "friends" even when they are doing wrong. Reminds me of 3rd grade, which may be why I'm a 4th grade drop out. I know you're dying to hear an example, so here's one of my favorites. I'm on final table of some tourney on UB. My big blind is raised (very unusual) by the "super power" who never bluffs, P0ker H0. Now we are very close friends, so he would never steal my blinds! Anyway, I got KK, so I'll take a chance and see the flop, and I meekly call. Flop 4-8-K rainbow. Damn, horrible flop. So I better check, and naturally H0 goes all in. Tic….Tic….Tic….damn he musta hit flop….what do I do???? I CALL!!! Cards turn over….Oh No! H0's got 7-8….monster for him….turn a 6, river a 5….Bye Bye Leggggggggy… H0 says sorry, and I just laugh.

But here's where the "Darkside" begins. HelenRNurse ("Ratchet," as I call her) tells me I can NEVER beat H0 and I should quit trying…..on and on and on she went….so I told mz ratchet where to go!! She kept laughing, telling me how great H0 was over & over, and I really wanted to puke!! Losing was enough….losing like that really hurts….but to have to listen to her??? Yes, I really could be driven to kill a nurse. ***PocketFives.com edit: click here to read Helen's defense.***

Online poker also produces many more runner runner bad beats than live. Why, you ask? Players are more apt to bluff all in online than live. Many play multiple games at a time, so it may be no big deal to gamble and lose. Live is not nearly the same. In Aruba, I heard Scott Fischman give this analogy: if he's playing 6 games at once and goes all in with AK and wins 3, he probably makes final table, and if he loses, he's on to the next game where he would do the same. You should win 1/2 the time. But in tourneys, you need to finish top 3 where all the money is, so you Gotta Go For It!!!!

What draws me to pocketfives?? I smile when I see top 50….its all my friends!! Damn I just thought they were good players….but world's best poker-ers?? I finally got in with the right crowd.

One and a half years ago I started online. First guy I met was P0ker H0. Of course it was love at first site, cause we each thought the other was a hot babe. When we met in Aruba and found out we were both big fat hairy guys named Mark, it was very funny.

Then I met brsavage and tallnywrtr, 2 super players. Best in the World? Who am I to say? Nicest 2 guys in the world? Maybe. BR was unbeatable till pk5's put the whammy on him and made him #1, finally he's mortal. Then there's Tall, who was doomed at birth by a "schmenx," so he lives on the streets of N.Y., hustling poker in homeless shelters.

Then there's Westtexasman (supaguy). All you gotta do is buy him a steak and bring 2 quarts of milk, and you got a friend for life. His card playing is second to none. We keep track how many tourneys he's knocked me out of (80 AND GROWING).

Then there's the rising stars, Sheets, and Bax. Not sure if sheets will win a WPT event first or own 1/2 the field!! And he’s got "squeaky," my puppy’s good luck toy, so he’s unstoppable. JohnnyBax….where did he come from? Right out of a Ben Stiller comedy. Great guy, I trust him completely with all my FPP & UB points. Funny thing about Mr. Bax is everyday I get an IM from him, saying, "Hey I won WSOP seat last night….$30 rebuy on paradise too….3rd in the 200 on stars." And I remind him, "you may be 2nd in the world, but you are still the worst at barry’s house." He was so "good" we use to send a limo to make sure he'd come.

Then there’s "Beanie Balls," as I call him. It won't be long until the release of his "Beanie Bobblehead dolls.” Then he will be infamous for more than his rebuy inabilities.

Anyone know bbkings? Anyone wanna? I found him in Aruba, roaming along the beach at 3 a.m. in 120 degree weather, dripping and drooling for water….he was near comatose. I thought he was gonna die, or worse, that I would have to carry him. I helped him to the nearest bar and said, "Fast, he needs Water." When BB yelled, "DON'T forget the SCOTCH," that’s when I knew the toothless wonder was ok!!

Then there's KNUCKLE HEAD, who would be Top 10 if he could stay awake through the annoying 5 minute breaks. He's really one of the best, only he’s got sleeping – eating Apnea. In case you don’t know him, he's rather large. He needs to eat & nap every 20 minutes, so it makes it hard to play a tourney, even a turbo. Live, he is great….only problem is when he flys… Last time I flew with him, he got stuck in the bathroom. The pilot had to "serpendine" to shake KNUCK loose!!

Hope this enlightens everyone to the different wackos you all play with. Special mentions to:

Legato– taught me how to go all in every hand simply by covering the screen
KrazyKanuck– modeled my game after his….even the bad beats!!
Gator93– could be best online if he ever folds KQ
Ector– how to fold every hand for first 2 hrs of tourneys
Denny Lemieux– won best lookin of any in the top 50
Jsup– f jsup
LatestLines2– can I borrrow a dollar???
Fatcats– best unkown onliner….maybe live too!!
Loewa79– we were cast as as father & son in a major movie role….then pkt 5's made him famous and he held out for millions
840MD– toughest to beat online—he only plays AA
Lucky Egg– most succesful beggar online….I started his career with $.05 of my winnings….now hes worth 100's!!!!
Madmike– maybe someday he'll win a T.E.C.
Phantomsnake– best dadddio of anyone online
twopairmar– best mommio online
my3sons– if she was as good in bed as she is at poker, she'd have 50 kids
840MD– easiest to beat….you know what he’s got
pokerchic1– if she can’t beat ya, she'll beat ya with a headache
TipsyJoker– cut his hair and lost his magic
Scherrie– won most likely to sleep with entire WSOP next year!!
Plaza Kid– in aruba, he broke 6 chairs….online he uses a couch!!!
Ozzzzzzz66– bad beat him and he’ll come find you and rip your head off!!!
JoeyTheB– now that we met, I hope he stops the love letters!!
lil knuckle– not his fault he's 88 lbs….shares Fridge with big knuck
Soccer Mom 2– if my mom looked like her, I'd say, "incest is best!!"
SUE ANNE– I MISS YOU!!
Gank– rolls greatest "Joints." Someday he will be poker champ of the African cheebacheeba tribe!
Drugs Delaney– now that you’re "somebody," maybe you won't have to pay for it anymore
EEEE-6– …who????

One last comment about the "BEST" online player in my opinion, Mr. P0ker H0. He may be the first one sitting the most, but he's also the last one standing the most!!

Now that you've wasted your 5 minute break reading this crapola, I hope you see a little of the "dark" side of poker…

If you’ve ever bad beaten me or called one of my dumb bluffs, all I can say is…

SMD!!!!!!